Being Mommy

Well technically, my kids call me Karla. I'm not really into commercialized holidays, though all of the fuss around Mother's Day did cause me to be reflective about this whole business about being Mommy. My kids were relatively calm on Mother's day, so that was the best gift I could receive, mind you, "relatively" being the operative word here.



Just ask Buffy, she just spent five days nestled up in our home with us. I was relieved to know that I am not disallusioned as this intimate look into my life caused her to confirm my suspicions that my kids are uniquely challenging. Not that I'm exempt from this description - under this veil of tranquillity that fools some people into perceiving us to be calm, we are all restless, intense, obsessive, compulsive, driven, hyper, impatient and last but not least, passive aggressive. It's vexatious, it's taxing, it's overwhelming, it's AHHHH!! It feels like I''ve been swimming in a deep pool for the last eight years trying to keep my head above the water. Nontheless I am pleased to announce that I have no doubts we are an amazing family, I am an amazing mother and my kids are absolutely incredible, cherished and loved to bits and they treasure me. We are real.



I'm not authoritarian or structured, I strive for equality. When the kids are fighting in the back seat - I turn up my music louder until I can't hear them, haha, and half of the time when any of us loses our temper we all end up bursting out laughing. All of the kids in the neighborhood seem to be drawn to our home with a magnetic force. They can be seen at any given time, running wildly through my home, eating my food, jumping out my windows, and telling me all of their problems. I can be seen hugging them, dancing with them, patting them on the head, calling them angel and sweetie. I fall head over heels in love and adore every one of them, and my heart hurts when the ones from out of town leave. It all is what it is....chaotic, intense, frustrating, overwhelming, beautiful and precious...generally all at the same time.



What is the deal with these creatures. There is no way to get around what a powerful profound experience they provide us with. When I've watched my friends finding themselves unable to conceive I have seen the profound desire and pain that causes them, then I see us who have them and how immensely challenging the experience is. Children have the capacity to challenge us in ways that we can't even personally identify with. For example, being someone who can hardly swat a fly...when I find a spider I lovingly place it back outside, I no longer pick flowers because I don't want to hurt them. I had these grand ideas about what a sweet, gentle, patient mother I would be, but honestly, my kids rile me up so deeply that sometimes I envision my self beating them, and I truly have experienced feelings of wanting too, and I don't even agree with spanking, soo?? I have never fought or yelled with anyone in my life and well...me and my kids fight and yell all the time. We don't want to - we just get overcome with all of the complex dynamics. But the intensity, the deep emotions involved will invariably shatter any identity you hold of yourself. Is this what makes the experience so profound. Is this their spiritual role to us, to shake us up, to show us who we really are?



I felt peaceful this mothers day. I knew everything was okay. I knew that the difficulties, the shattered identity was all a part of a beautiful purpose for us.

I knew we are a real, powerful, amazing family. I knew I can forgive myself for all of the mistakes I make and they don't cancel out the good things we share. It all is what it is, the whole shibang....it's chaotically beautiful and that's what makes it whole and perfect. Now I need to go for a long run to survive the next round of being mommy.

Love and light,

(back to blog)

 Karla